Elephant:
1 : any of a family (Elephantidae, the elephant family) of thickset usually extremely large nearly hairless herbivorous mammals that have a snout elongated into a muscular trunk and two incisors in the upper jaw developed especially in the male into large ivory tusks and that include two living forms and various extinct relatives
2 : one that is uncommonly large or hard to manage.
Upcoming Events:
08/01/20XX - T's B'day
14/01/20XX - Babah's B'day
08/03/20XX - Me & Poji's B'day
26/03/20XX - Mummy's B'day
15/04/2003 - GF's 1st day at Work
08/05/20XX - +1 yr relationship wif T
11/05/2003 - Aussie Mother's Day
03/05/20XX - Jijoy's B'day
23/06/20XX - Jilah's B'day
07/09/2003 - GF's Grad. Anniv.
07/11/20XX - "Cutey-Pie" Alai B'day
Today's Playlist:
:: SnoopDogg ft. Pharrel & Uncle Charlie Wilson - Beautiful
:: Minnie Riperton - Lovin' you (1975)
:: Brunei - Reza ft. Farisan, Sal. (demo)
:: Sal - Saltears (demo)
:: Cee-Lo & Field Mob - All I Know
:: Tyrese - How you gonna act like that
"I've been trying hard to avoid any arguments everytime worries showed up. I decieved the temptation of asking and wondering by not calling you. But everytime I ignore and let go, you just can't seem to prove of what your role should be. I've always been mindful of what would happen if I ask questions. You are not suppose to be replying angrily or retaliate by being cold. You are suppose to help me and hold my hand in my times of need. But you left me with confusion and frustration. When will be the end of this? Stop toying with my feelings coz it hurts. It hurts too much to handle everyday."
That night I stared blankly at the lights between the sills of the sillouette. Everything crosses my mind until I realize that I was the only person who suffers in here. I immediately recalled 6 years ago when I tried to call her up and searching through and dialing all numbers to reach her back then. I realize my stupidity and my suffering. I recalled the day when she dumped me by going along with a guy in her college years. The night she asked me to forget all about our relationship and to move on. I was not prepared. (or should I?). If you only knew how much it hurts to find you decieving me behind my back. You've respond angrily and ignored me while I should have known what you've been doing so I won't be hurt. I was hurt throughout but it was more a disaster when you were ready to confess or confession after I found out. If only you'd picture what I've been through, and how I dust myself off everytime I fall. If only you realize how much I should have hated you for making me suffer. I know how wierd it sounds: I hate you but I need you coz I love you. I know you ignore me coz you know I need you and that I love you. I hate you for it. I wanted to ignore you but I'm afraid you'd decieve me coz I don't ask for it. Complications??
Yes. Should I follow you pace? Should I be training myself to ignore?
I had a heavy heart last night arguing with T over my conscience and awareness that she had ignored and changed. My heart ache so much that I couldn't utter a word I wanted to say. I felt the pain and frustration all at once. Knowing that these changes may lead to uncertaincies and the lost of the sense of belonging. These uncertaincies will not only be felt by me but her herself. Just because of what she's doing now. I don't know where I stand in her. Almost everyday, she 'd just ignored my feelings and seemed to ask me to follow on her pace, and to understand her on what she's doing.
I wish she know how much worries she gave to me when I called from one number to another and back and forth. I can't forget the way it goes. It really depresses me to be in that state. That night, my tears fell on the pillow and I didn't care that the window was foggy; with my uneasy breath of cries, which blocks the view of the cityscape. The view of which I'd always see to remember things and wonders about her. Only her, No one else.
I told her that I've been trying to think positive about what she's doing. I've erased the sms as she had requested last night. So what's going to happen now?
I didn't quite sleep that soundly last night thinking about T. I had never been so restless in my sleep like last night. I rang her many times but all I had was a reply via an sms that she was in the shower. I just had to think positive about this. Just hoping she's not taking any advantage of it. Coz if she does, how will I ever change what's been haunting me the whole time this time.
Even today, no sms fro T during her lunch time. I was worried. I just tried to get rid of the thoughts by getting myself engaged in the CC's routine. This is my first day of my placement in Hopetoun. Much more real and much more "short-period". I met Toni Rob, been acquainted to Ritcha, Rita, and Joane. Hope for a better one tomorrow. Amin
I've smsed T a couple of times but I was hoping for a reply. So instead I called her up and found myself being in vain and punished. I just can't get it why she was so angry. After all, I was worried and she should have understood that. Not getting angry for what I did.
Log written on the 2nd June,2003@8:28PM
Today's problem went in well, Alhamdulilah. I called Hopetoun CC for Toni and I had to make up for today's missing out. Secondly, I called Victoria at the Student Admin to fax my new details to them and it goes with a thumbs up. Third, Poji and I went to MCA to speak with Brad (The Manager) and to solve the situation about Room 720. We had to pay for 1 month (June) which is the only obligation that we had to come up with. The rest are at hand. We present the keys and hope that a person will take over the place at 720. I still can't believe what the bastards had done to us; leving the mess up to Poji and myself. We had to pay. Initially, Brad spoke to me about thirding the amount to be payed, but Babah agreed to cover them instead of having her involved (which to my belief, is unfair). But we had to pay and not getting her involved.
My thoughts were on T the whole day today. I wish she'd understand the situation that I am facing now, and to benefit a knowledge of what is to be learned from what I had been through. "Even relatives are khianat, apa lagi orang lain". I think there's lots of lesson from this. That's for my future with my siblings, and my future with T.
Guess that's it for now. I'm off to my room for prayer and stuff.
Miss T so much. I wonder how she's doing. I just got several sms from her saying that they had to go to Seria for Nor's sister's wedding (don't know the name). And now she had to go to Lumapas for the tahlil. She's been so busy. I was busy thinking about lots of things as well. Anyway, off for a nice ciggy and an oat drink at the balcony.
-----
"I know I'll be thinking of you... I've been wondering about you the whole day as I walk down the street. Hope you'd return safely home with Bapa and Babu"
The Bitch, the mother of the whore, and the Pimp has done so much trouble for us. Now we had to pay for the rent of 2 houses (Paramount and MCA). She ran away from the rent at Room 720 MCA to make a new account. Since Room 720 is still in our name, she just go away and left the rent payment to us. That Whore!. OK, you may laugh Feezah. But you'll see one day. Coz I promise myself that one day, when you need help, I won't be there for you. Pak Long and Pak Ngah don't know you anymore.Your luxurious life may not last long.And it sometimes can't help you. You'll see.
Poji and I called Babah as soon as we got home. I felt sorry for Babah for such a hard time finding money to cover for the rent. All I can do is just to pray that everything will be settled. I looked around me and saw nobody there to help us. This is the reality. One day, I won't be as broke as this. I promise myself.
"Why does this misfortune comes over us? Why not to those zalim people? Why must it be to us?... What I learned from this: I have no relatives, no cousins. I just have myself, my parents, sister and brothers, and the one under my care and attention. That's all I've got."
I've just got home after playing Battlegear3 at Blue House. Desperate to have a go on the arcade, I've arranged 5 bundle of 5cent which is all $6 in total, hoping that I'd play 4 games tonight. But to my disappointment, the girl just disapprove of changing them. So I just have to play 2. That whore! 5 cents is still money, you bitch!
Anyway, here's my previous log(s):
Log Written on the 30th May, 2003@12:11PM
Last night I dreamed of T. I dreamed of meeting her at MSPSBS flat where I've spent most of my childhood. I usually have dreams over places which I've been during my childhood and it's usually a good sign. And last night, I love it! She was wearing the dress which I like her to wear most of the time. How I wish I can say these things and express how much I believe in it to her. After all, soon I woke up, (1) message recieved from T wishing me the best of the day. How I wish I can reply back telling things to her and wishing her the same.
"Sayang, I miss you"
Current playlist(s) :: SaL - Jika :: Minnie Riperton - Lovin` you1975 :: Alleycats - Jika Kau Bercinta Lagi
Log Written on the 31st May, 2003@7:52PM
Lela's Mum pass away last midnight. My condolences to the family and relatives who has lost a member of the family. I called T at 5AM Melbourne time, wondering about the switching off of her phone. I was able to reach her somewhere in those minutes and was struck to find the news.
Today, Poji and I went to MCA for the cleaning before we move out for good. Vaccum cleaner and my favourite mop has been sent back by the Princess. (Alum ku kan membagi kau barang ku atu.. kalau mau, bali sendiri!). So Poji and I just cleaned through all of the corners and carpets. All rinsed and cleaned. I fixed the plaster molds to plaster the dented wall. (uhuh... rage release. So I kicked the wall that day and today I had to fix it. hehe). Along the way, I recalled bits and pieces of memories I had in 720. I remembered the day I was outraged to find Poji still chatting while we were in a bridge of financial conflicts which needs "PBB meeting". I slammed the table and Jilah's Milk tea toppled on the table and dripps on the carpet. I still can visualize him cleaning off the mess. Poor Jilah. But the good thing is that all three of us stayed strong till then. Those were the happy times.
Before I left, I stayed in the room, held my palms together and doa. Tears almost fell but I held them. I was thinking of the things I've had and done, my 3 years of stay in Melbourne right inside of the room. MY room. I told Poji about the things I wanted to say about what I was thinking. I opened the door, looking back. One last look. One last goodbye.
"In memories I had in room 720, Unilodge On Swanston, Melbourne"
I was anticipating for an sms from T last night before I sleep. Twisting and turning and watching my phone hoping it to 'beep' for a new message. I rang her a couple of times using my HiCard but she had confirmed me a while ago that she was asleep. I called T a few minutes ago coz I miss her. She's in the office. I wanted to tell her that I was thinking about last night's event that I've remembered about, but I just forgot. Seemingly after hearing her voice, everything I wanted to tell just been forgotten.
Last night's rest was not satisfactory. The resident next door was despickably noisy and selfish. I found myself awake at 5AM when I heard laughter and all. But I got better somewhere at 6 something. I woke up at 9AM and head directly to the balcony to find two guys trying to open the door of a car at the back of the Saville Hotel building. I wanted to call 000 for a cop to investigate but I just held my thoughts. "M-Y-O-B" I said to myself. So I ended up calling the building manager for a lift access at 3PM today instead. So now that everything is settled, I might just have a good rest.
Log written on a notepad on the 28, May @05:30PM.
No luck today. We can't move our things at MCA. The time like this made myself clear about who's a friend in the time of need and who are those merely just friends. It's unfortunate that no one is there if you need them the most. But I'm greatful I'm not having times like this alone. At least Poji and I are together.
I pity babah mummy for having them feeling the same way. We all thought we'll have all these bitter moments (financial disputes, relative disputes and all) will be over. But I guess I was wrong. All I have was thinking positive by all of this. But when will all of these be over?, I questioned.
I remembered today's uh.. yesterday actually, the birth of Zizie, T's brother. I can still recall the night when I called her at the Hospital. We've had a good talk about our day and stuffs. I can still smell the scent of Versace Blue perfume which I've sprayed to my room that night. Yeps, those were the times when Versace was very much popular.. classy. Anyway, reflecting back to the night of 27th May. T and I, we've just been knowing each other through phone. I knew I had nothing to say, really, but I just have to call. I was heart-broken, depressed and lonely. She was the only one who had me enlightened and entertained. She gave me hopes of which I had never found in any of my past relationships. I knew immediately that she is the one.
I've tried calling through my "HiCard" from Singapore. But the damn line had been cut off after 2 rings. So much for "Roaming". I'm still waiting for her sms as I try to stay away from thinking too much by looking forward for tomorrow. Oh oh! about tomorrow, at noon, we'll be moving stuffs till late night. We've rented Tarago at Thrifty Rentals, cost about AUD$121 for 24hrs. It's going to be a very busy day tomorrow. (And I should be resting by now!).
A word:
I wish you knew what I have in mind everytime I lay on my "bed" as I watch the cityscape. Only I know how much you mean to me, and how much I care. It may not seem much to you. But to me, you are worth the whole sacrifices I've made throughout the years. I love you. If only you knew...
Totally broke and helpless. What can I do but to wait. Maths test was just over yesterday. Hopefully, I wish for a pass which should be OK. I didn't expect to have high D for it. Coz of things which was unexpectable a few months ago. Now I'm off thinking for my field placement at Hopetoun CC, in Flemington.
T was making quite a few changes in life nowadays. I kept on wondering about the things we've done together. This attachment and bonding has made life complicated coz I miss her so much. Sometimes I hate her for making me wait for her sms-es. Other times, she's like a healing for my worries and fears. Yesterday for example, she's been sms-ing me for a few time, everytime and everywhere she goes. But today, no sms of her in the morning. I've always been looking at my 8210 for any "1 new message(s)", a kind of semangat for the day, every morning.
If only you knew how much I need you, you won't ever let me go.
- - - - - -
Last night, Poji and I went to B6 to check on our carpark, number 2212. We went searching up and around levels downstairs, we've asked the parking attendent but nothing. Until we figured it out in the lift which says something like "Car residential parking. B6, use keypass" bla bla bla. Heh.. so much of searching around when it's actually under your nose. I figured that if I own a car, it would be great. Coz our space was the only one empty.
